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Wednesday, 5 June 2013

The Sex Series : Having 'sexcessful' communication.

I'm so sorry I didn’t post this last week, as it is a basic pre-requisite to having an awesome, spiced up sex life.

Communication is key in a relationship.

I can't claim to be an expert in communicating, as emotional issues seem to take a toll on me, sometimes, I feel even nauseous when faced with them, but I have to try and work it out too.

Yes, you are impatient and don't want to be bothered with this whole 'lets talking about feelings' and emotional stuff, lets just go straight to the sex part and work it up like its going out of fashion.
Stop right there, you can't go any further till you understand that, your dream sex life can only be achieved when you pass this stage, and if communication is healthy. Do not expect your partner to welcome a novel way to raising the bar in the bedroom department, if there is no understanding beforehand. 

Do you really want to have an awesome sex life? if you do, be patient and read through, otherwise, just stop now, close this page and move on.

So I did a little research and this is what I came up with.

"Personal relationships deteriorate when what is needed and wanted is not expressed. The resulting frustrations build up and result in increasing anxiety and upset and stress. This is particularly likely to occur with sexual relationships, when problems or disagreements about sexual issues are not discussed openly and honestly."

"The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How was work?” “How were the kids?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff."
Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. 

You may be going through a lot right now, and you just want to make it work, and do all the deliciously wicked things you have fantasied about with your partner.

 You can improve your relationship and your sex-life today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.

Note:  this is an exercise to do with your sexual partner. Of course, many of the principles apply equally to any sensitive issue.

Start by removing all images of how you imagine things will go, we do not have power over how people will react to what we say or do. Keep an open mind.

That done. 

Break The Ice

  1.     Talk with your partner about why it's hard to talk about sex.
  2.      Share earlier experiences with talking about sex.  
  3.      Begin by discussing less threatening topics such as birth control, sex education, etc.
  4.      Gradually move toward discussing more personal feelings and concerns.
  5.      Read and discuss material if it seems easier than spontaneously talking about personal matters.

Listen and Provide Feedback

1.    Active listening helps to show you are interested in what your partner is saying. Ask questions and make brief comments to help increase your understanding of what is being said.
2.    Maintaining eye contact displays caring and validation. 
3.    Reflect back to your partner what you have understood them to say. This conveys active listening and an interest in understanding.
4.    Be supportive of your partner's efforts to communicate. 
5.    A statement of appreciation or thanks can go a long way to strengthening a relationship. 
6.    Express "unconditional positive regard." Convey the sense that you will value your partner regardless of what they communicate to you.

Discover Your Partner's Needs

1.  Ask open-ended, clarifying and extending questions to gain the most information about your companion's desires. Your partner will probably appreciate your concern.
2. If the subject you are interested in is particularly sensitive, try self- disclosing first. Self-disclosure will model trust and a willingness to take risks. 
3. Compare notes on sexual preferences. This can be an effective way of learning about what does and doesn't stimulate your partner, and is certainly more efficient than trial and error.
4. Give your partner permission to talk about his/her feelings.

Learn To Make Requests

1.Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Realize that people are not mind readers and genuinely communicate your needs and desires.
2.Make requests specific. This will increase the chance that your wishes will be understood and granted. 
3.   Use "I" language (e.g. I like it when you kiss the back of my neck). Although it is sometimes difficult to personalize requests, it is often the best means of getting a positive response.

Delivering Criticism 

Be aware of your motivation. Is it based on a constructive desire to make your relationship better?
  1. Choose the right time and place. Try not to be critical when anger is at its peak. Give your partner a choice about when he/she would like to talk. Be aware of your partner's needs when choosing a location. At what time, place and mood is your partner more relaxed and open?
  2. Temper criticism with praise. This will reduce the likelihood of your partner responding in a defensive or angry fashion, and increase the chances of him/her accepting what you have to say.
  1. Nurture small steps toward change. Be generous with your support and encouragement of change. Realize that it is normal to revert back to comfortable patterns which have developed over time, so don't be too discouraged if there is some backsliding.
  1. Avoid "why" questions. They tend to be perceived as attacking and hurtful. Better to say 'I don't understand...'
  2. Express your anger appropriately. Direct your anger toward your partner's behaviours, not his/her character. Don't forget to remind your partner that you appreciate them as a person. Take responsibility for your anger.
  1. Your partner cannot make you feel angry, you choose to respond that way.

I don’t want this post to go on forever, because there are a lot of write up on this topic, but the first step is recognizing the need for a change, and taking a step to make it right.

If you require more information on this topic, please send a mail to me: and I’ll get back to you.

when you are done with talking we can move to action *winks*
 Materials culled from and trans4mind, and of course me!


  1. In the great words of Elvis "The King" Presley, a little less talk and a little more action :D

  2. Bla..bla..bla..,action says it all that's d only language most people understand.Nice piece love doc.

  3. Gigi action required now. Wink

  4. Most pipo wil nt read d piece to undastand!!! Its a very gud topic u talked abt and its rili motivatin. Tnks for dis series..

  5. Nicely written,weldone Gigi.